Like a Wolf

Dear You,

It has recently occurred to me that I do a lot of things on my own. I spend a great deal of my time on my own.

It has also occurred to me that I don't mind it.

I took myself shopping recently. I didn't go with any of my girlfriends. I didn't make my mother tag along. I got the bus, and I went on my own. I spent about 3 hours wandering around the mall, had lunch on my own, and went back home. I think I prefer this to the "normal" shopping excursion of the twenty-something female. I didn't have to wait for any other person, or hang around in some store that I hate, for whatever reason. I went where I wanted to go, saw what I wanted or needed to see, and went back home.

I need to do this more often.

I spend a lot of time having meals on my own, hanging out in my bedroom, basically alone (because a cat can only afford you so much conversation). Even as I write this to you, now, I am sitting in my bedroom, music on, typing away. I like the peace and quiet, and I enjoy being able to process my own thoughts, and to type those thoughts out to you, without interruption, and without feeling like I'm being somehow rude to someone else.

Don't get me wrong, friends do have their place, and I do enjoy being social. I am certainly not a hermit, by any means, I have simply begun to notice how many of my days are spent in solitude, and then to notice again how little I seem to mind.

My life is quiet, at the moment, and that is a good thing for me. I'd be okay if it stayed this way.

You see, I've not only enjoyed a lot of time on my own in terms of friends and whatnot, I've also not "officially" had a boyfriend in nearly a solid year. Yes, I know. This is not a very typical thing to have done, but I'm okay with that, too. I've had dates. I've got boys who are my friends. No boyfriend. I think that's why I got the cat, to be honest. That isn't to say that if some real life Prince-Charming-Type swooped in on a winged horse and swept me off my feet, that I wouldn't welcome it/him with open arms... because I would. I mean... a guy who goes to the trouble of putting wings on a horse? Has to be a winner, right? I just have high standards. I don't have a boyfriend because I utterly refuse to settle for anything less than everything I want. I won't lower the bar to fit a person who is "really lovely except." Why should I do that to myself? If Mitch (name used for argument's sake) is really lovely, except for the fact that he doesn't seem to have "Thank You" as part of his vocabulary, then why would I settle for him? If Paul is really lovely except that he never listens to a word I say, why should I settle? And if Adam is really lovely except for the part where he's a huge liar, and even lies about lying to me, why in the HELL would I settle? Because I'm 26 and I'm single? Thank god this is the 21st century and not the 19th. I'm okay with being a 19th century old maid. The way I see it, settling for anything less than everything is basically telling myself that I don't deserve the perfect guy. It's telling myself, and my self-worth, that I'm not as valuable as my engaged and recently married girlfriends. They were worthy of their perfect guy... so why not me?

Yours in solitude,

- A.