Dear You,
Over the last 48 hours, something has been bothering me.
I had a conversation with someone recently, and the idea that I am a deeply unhappy individual was put forth for consideration. Well... maybe not simply "put forth for consideration." Maybe more like "the person to whom I was speaking tried to shove this opinion down my throat and I subsequently choked on it."
I am still not entirely sure what I did or said to lead him to this conclusion, other than maybe the fact that I told him outright that his apparent lack of ability to make sense was making me feel annoyed. (I mean really... this is the same guy who sent me a text that said "Oi" in excess of 45 times within 5 minutes. I counted them. You'd get annoyed too.) He also went so far as to call me a liar (he said I "exaggerated the truth," which is the same thing, in my mind), and to say that I needed to seek mental help for my issues (apparently this person is also under the impression that I have a deep-seated and heavily suppressed anger-management issue, on top of everything else).
I have no idea what brought on this kind of abuse. The more times I tried to tell him he was wrong, the harder he pushed, and the louder he claimed he was right.
But he's not right. Not in the least.
If you've been reading this webpage for a while, you know I've taken a lot of time to examine my past experiences, and to look at my life as it is, and I've learned a lot about myself. I fail to understand how someone who barely knows me can insinuate that I'm so bitterly unhappy. Or how this individual can just up and decide that I "tolerate" my friends, but "don't really like them." Or how he could say that I am making up the activities in my life that I do on a daily/weekly basis because I am "bored with how [my] life really is."
If you have ever met me and taken more than 15 minutes to talk to me, you will know the following:
- I adore my friends. All of them. If I have called you my friend, it is because I love you to pieces, and I don't just tolerate you. I am blessed to have you in my life, and I would not change one hair on your head. I understand how fortunate I am to have people like you in my life, who care about me, and who want the best for me, and I in no way take you for granted. I appreciate you for who you are, as you are, every second of every day, whether I am speaking to you directly or not.
- I genuinely like my life, as it is. I mean sure, I'm not always thrilled that I'm single. Who is? I sometimes hate the little pang of jealousy I feel when I see couples kissing in public. Of course I wish I had that, but at the same time, I'm not dying without it. But I know that all good things come to those who wait. I am picky, and I know that I deserve the best, so why push it? I'm not unhappy being alone, because I know I'm not actually alone. I have amazing friends and a wonderful family to rely on and to keep me company, and I'm also very much comfortable being on my own without being lonely.
- I am an extremely busy girl. I start school in less than a week, I am in charge of organizing a book club, I take art lessons, I spend time with my friends and family... it is a very rare day that goes by where I am not doing something at some point through the day. I don't mind it that way. It can be a little hectic from time to time, but I like keeping busy and engaged. At least I can never say I'm bored! And as far as whether or not I am "exaggerating" or fabricating these aspects of my life, I can provide anyone with the contact information of individuals other than myself who can, in fact, corroborate my story. Which brings me to my next point...
- I can't stand liars. More than that, I can't stand being called a liar. I have high expectations not only for myself, but also for the people I choose to surround myself with. I expect that everyone around me will do his/her best to tell me the honest truth, just as I will do the same for them. I have been lied to by both men and women alike, in my life, and I can honestly say that I would rather not be hurt in that way again. I also feel that if I expect others to behave in a certain way towards me, that I had better behave in the same way toward them. I feel like that just makes sense.
- I certainly do not need mental help or therapy of any description. I did the therapy thing for a while in university, because I felt at that point like things were piling up and I was maybe losing myself in all of it. I do not feel out of control. I do not have any anger or rage issues... except maybe that it is extremely difficult to make me angry. I suppose if we're really going to play "hunt the mental issue," the fact that I so rarely get upset could conceivably be an issue. I do have a tendency toward the dramatic on those special and rare occasions when I do get upset (for instance, through the conversation we are currently discussing, I told my aggressor that I would "knock all of his teeth down his throat... individually" if he didn't stop calling me a liar), but this is only ever a statement out of pure anger, and is never something I would actually follow through on.
I have discussed the idea that I might be a deeply unhappy person with a few of my close friends. Three, to be precise... the first laughed outwardly at the suggestion, and asked if the individual making these remarks had ever even met me. The second simply said "No, but you can be a little bit cynical sometimes." The third, who is also my room mate, looked utterly confused said "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard... Where do you find these people?!"
I would tend to agree with all of these assessments. I'm not unhappy at my core. I do get cynical now and again, but it's (as my friend put it) just "burning out from caring about people too much." This is true. I care about the people in my life a great deal, and it does sometimes become emotionally wearing, or even frustrating. This emotional tiredness and frustration does sometimes lead me to unhappy moments, but I would not go so far as to say that I am an unhappy person, overall.
I think, having discussed this with you now, that the person who has suggested this concept to me needs to take some time and be in my life a little more actively to get an idea of who I actually am. It is blatantly obvious that he does not know my true self in the least. With that said, I believe that it is grossly unfair to make generalizations about my personality without having a clue who I am.
He said not to contact him until I was ready to accept what he said and make some personality changes. This is not going to happen... I have spent the last 26 years getting to know who I am, and I think as a result that I know myself far better than anyone else on the planet. I know myself, and as a result, I can never accept what he said as being anything near to the truth.
Good riddance to bad rubbish then, wouldn't you say?
Happily yours,
- A.
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