Self-Depricating

Dear You,

I have been confronted by my own words. I am told, by a very reliable source, that I may be too hard on myself.

Now, I understand that as a young woman, I may or may not be societally conditioned to view myself differently than others view me -- this is part of the widespread body dysmorphic disorder that plagues my generation. I will always pick out subtle (or sometimes, in my own opinion, totally glaring) faults in myself, both physically and in personality, and often times others will have no idea what I am talking about. It simply comes with the territory of being a woman in this day and age, I think.

It is always easier to see the beauty in others than it is to recognize it in yourself.

Personally, I think of myself as the "girl-next-door" type. File me under "Cute." In my own head, I have more intelligence than I have looks. You may choose to disagree with me if you like, but I genuinely believe it. I have always been "The Smart Girl." It's just who I am, and I don't mind. It has developed as part of my persona.

With that said, I have also developed an aversion to being in pictures. If a picture is being taken of any of my friends, there is a 99% chance that I am the one taking the picture. My logic in this is that if I am taking the picture, I cannot possibly be in the picture. I try to hide behind other people, if I have to be in the picture. I rarely ask for copies of pictures I'm in. I simply don't want the evidence of how I look to be spread around. Facebook is horrible for that.

I mean... I don't think I'm particularly ugly, at all. Like I said, you could file me under "Cute." At 5 feet 7 inches, I'm certainly not a supermodel. I also know I have curves, and while I do like them, they sometimes make me feel like a bus, or sometimes even the broad side of a barn, when I stand next to my thinner friends.

With that said, I am also not one of these girls who has a problem with her curves, so she hides under oversized, black clothing. I usually really like my curves, and I know how to dress my body. I love the way vintage-inspired "fit and flare" dresses sit on my body. I like colour, and I'm not afraid to wear it. I'm aware that some men find my shape irresistibly sexy. I just often don't feel it. I feel pretty, most of the time. Maybe I just have more self-conscious moments that other women do. Maybe I'm totally normal. I don't know.

Either way, I need to make a conscious effort to not be quite so hard on myself. I need to figure out more little ways to love myself in a day. Up for working on this with me? Maybe we can make it a group project.

Lovingly Yours,

- A.